Happy new year everyone, sorry there wasn’t a Dec 31st post.

Should i spend some time writing about 2009?

Hell busy year. From the very beginning…. Training… and always with outside commitments… H3 oh my gosh haha… Exams that i didn’t really care about… Joining Angels. More training. Training camps. PT. Weights. Drop sets. Long hits. Center field. throwing with shanise hahaha. tossing for shanise. running from when the sun’s still up till the sundown. all that sweat, all those planks, crunches, pushups… remember those times when doing pushups was like breathing. unlike now whahaha.

In May, fell the sickest i have in years… but it was right in the middle of season i had to give myself a deadline for recovery so i could play in the hwachong game. i remember on the day itself my parents drove me to hwachong, after abt 2 days of me lying in bed not able to move. they warned me not to play although obviously i would although i was coughing like there’s no tomorrow… then i realised that i didn’t bring my slacks. haha. never mind, i was still determined to go on, i asked to borrow hsiangway’s slacks. borrow already, asked the girls to warmup, i myself didn’t do anything cos coach says don’t, then it started to rain. game cancel. thank goodness i had another 2-3 days to rest.

and the hellish visit to the doctor. i almost died.

H3. Visiting LCKRL, loads of searching for books, online and manually, more copying of quotes into my little book.. the actual construction of my paper… the interviewing… the nights i spent slaving in front of the computer… visits to the library via bugis mrt. removing words, checking again and again my word count… using thesaurus to search for words similar to “rich”, “culture”, “stake in the state”….

Exams. Common Test, Prelims… anyhow lor. come to think of it i regret it but given that i almost died during A’s, if i had studied any harder before i would have just burnt out. i dunno. after august everything’s a blur.

more personally i don’t really know how to measure (chronologically, quantitatively or otherwise) what i’ve gone through this year. definitely, different from past years. different friends. different things. of course those who were there are still there. learn how to give up on things which only serve to harm me. i’ve always been prone to turning around very fast but this was really catalysed. not that it’s a bad thing. i’m grateful.

especially the second half of this year, i’ve been really lazy to narrate everything that’s been happening to me.

on to more recent things. i’m sick again. it’s kinda like 20% of the May sickness. really bad headache, after which my mother druggged me with cough syrup. after i had it, and started walking around she said, ‘actually this one makes you drowsy.’ true to her word i fell asleep about 20 mins later haha. didnt really help though because i still have a very bad headache now and uh… my throat hurts. and i want to drink green tea latte but it’s …. not far, but seems far now.

i want to make gt latte btw. i need matcha powder. i saw it at Muji the other time so if anyone is kind enough to buy it for me..? :D just kidding i’ll go myself. probably the next time i go ion. i want to eat aoba ramen again.

i just got myself a job btw, helping my parents. like, an actual job. my job designation is Executive HAHA. i learnt a little bit today, all with a dry sore throat and a pounding head but i absorbed a little. hope i can do it soon. it’s actually quite complicated.

speaking of which i have yet to complete the task given to me. i am so useless and prone to procrastination. i told myself i’d rush it out but it’s so difficult to get down to it. and i am sick now. great.

i have widened my choice of phone to include blackberry. how? but iphone also can have push email what. but i like the qwerty keypad. my dad (as usual) has an extra blackberry that’s lying around so i’ll test it out. same time bring my nokia for servicing. this evening, typing message it died on me. again. htc seems quite attractive but i havent actually used it before so can’t tell. blackberry actually reminds me of a headache (like the one i am having now) but let’s give it a try. i cant stand the threadball though.

you know it and i know it, i am disappointed in you. honestly i feel hurt.

to think i trusted you.

i need my elephant tranquilisers. good night.

every now and then it dawns upon me (dawn occurs every day btw) that my name is rather unique and this blog is very easy to find, no thanks to its url.

anyway hehe i improved on plank today :D i think bcos my instructor told me not to look at the damn start of the plank.. i mean yes ok that makes more sense right?!?!? who the hell looks at the start, no wonder wobbly lah! (my prev instructor told me to.) and apparently i do pylons the wrong way too, ermmmmm it’s supposed to be more dramatic HAHA. okay. :p anyway yes i should be able pass the next try :) which is tomorrow, the 1210 slot is booked FULL (the last slot was taken from under my nose while i was waiting for the records to be updated) but nvm, hopefully my this class is not so crowded then. but 2+, hot not?

i realised that i really can’t help “speeding”. especially at straight roads. well. i mean today i didn’t, at least not so much, much SLOWER!!! but enough for a (nice) instructor to “jiaomei” me but not so drama like yesterday. i dont want to say a lot because of the reason stated above but some people are really assholes like that. respect for figures of authority, yes, i understand, but don’t abuse it and go overboard. i mean seriously, bloody horning at me when you can park somewhere else? if i’d known who it was i’d sit my ass down on the floor instead of moving away. you’re not the only one with eyes big enough to stare. asshole.

like the 188 bus driver today. know very well i am getting off from the front door. he bloody saw me standing there. then he opened the back door. i waited a few seconds. he didn’t open the front. fine. i took my own bloody sweet time slowly walk to the back to alight. you don’t want to save my time i won’t bother saving yours. do i sound like an asshole too? haha. i don’t care, i’m just exercising my right to walk slowly and safely on the bus.

i wish people can have more sense of urgency and organisation.. seriously i can get so many things done if i didn’t have to wait for things to happen and people to correspond mentally and physically… here i am trying to get things done in the fastest and most ideal way and there you are being very uncooperative and SLUGGISH. if you think i should slow down, start thinking about what happens if everyone is sluggish: NOTHING’S GONNA GET DONE.

some songs belonging to this genre are pretty catchy, but sometimes i really think that RnB and hiphop are very trashy. like seriously what kind of stupid lyrics.

anyway i just did something and is it the right thing to have done? not much use thinking (i know it’s crying) about split milk but i’m just wondering if it’ll be a help or a hindrance.

i thought about it and maybe i just a change of perspective. and not think about my effort but more of how to salvage myself from this mess and retain the maximum amount of sanity haha. can you tell i’m in a pretty good mood today? never mind lah. i just wanna be happy. (happier.)

AND TODAY’S BIKE LESSSONNNNN oh my tian. plank is damn TOUGH but seriously it’s just psychological. my low speed control is FINE. but i just keep shaking on the plank and i know it too cos i’ve never been so tense on the bike before.. can feel my entire body tense up and start shaking along with the bike haha… but my pylon is fine, DAMN GOOD… i get it on first try sia! (i mean first lesson, the first try i actually ran over the bloody cone hahahaHAHA but second try never already ok) but my plank’s really not very good. nvm! tomorrow’s lesson! i will get over my fear!

(sorry i realised no one knows what plank is. plank is a part of the test course, where u must ride the bike onto this metal plank which is slightly raised. it’s about…. i dont know, the width of a third of a netball court haha (sorry tts not a very accessible measure either) and you’re supposed to go damn slowly and not fall off and lose your balance. my problem is im very shaky and keep gg left and right on the plank.u must achieve minimum timing of about 6 seconds on the plank before u come off, or will have penalty points given for <6secs or immediate failure if u finish it in less than 4 secs i think. and pylon is this series of abt 5 cones tt u must weave your way through. damn fun.)

and i got scolded today for speeding. haha. and not checking and signalling before changing lane. damn anal instructor who's not even my instructor. well let me explain myself.. i havent ridden bike for almost 2 wks, so i was just trying out my throttle… didnt slow down at the bend, much less the straight road haha… i admit i went quite fast…. but the never check and signal was becos i'm rusty and i forgot la k, and it was my first round after 12 days?!?!?! believe it or not i was "speeding" in 3rd gear i didn't even go to 4th?!!? (or maybe i did i cant rmb haha) just tt my today bike (no.1 haha) the throttle very nice to rev haha :p stupid guy was like "i follow u the whole way… bla bla.. nevr check, never signal den u change lane already… can like that meh… bla bla… its not the number of rounds u go, but.. (lost for words and i stifled a smile) … yadda yadda…" seriously, i admit im in the wrong, but cant u be less anal and nicer.. all the instructors r damn nice la, only sm are anal like tt. even if u wanna be stern can be nice abt it.

my papa passed his assessment though! ready for revision and test already! i was quite stressed when i see he's queuing behind me to do plank haha.

i hope the hanoi thing goes okay and smoothly… i still have a job to do and it's so sian and i'm not very successful at it. and someone still doesnt want to reply my calls and sms. fine, not my loss. unprofessional.

look at this!!!! ▓▓▓▓▓ i started using windows msger cos msn is screwing up!! aha this is very p6! our secret some more. :) ▓▓▓▓▓ hahaahahha

i know… time to wake up

so i havent looked in the mirror today, i assume i look a mess, and (although zhix said i look a lot thinner than i did during prom) i feel damn fat and gross. and i have had a headache since i woke up, which is 4pm because my day ends at 5 or 6am. well what’s the motivation to maintain any appearance or have good sleeping or eating habits? not like anyone is going to see me in broad daylight for the next few days.

that said i am finally returning to bike lesson tomorrow morning and i don’t know how i’m going to drag myself there at 10 in the morning. it’s plank and pylons, i guess i should be looking forward to it. just not right now.

my eyes havent seen smoke so easily for a damn long time. but its not like you can make it better you only make it worse. everything you do only makes me feel worse. once in a while when you please you stream back into my life with all the sunshine and happiness you bring with you before disappearing as fast as you came and reminding me of the dark dank dire state i am in. but it’s okay. i am used to it.

forget all the courageous things i’ve said, i never want to think about doing anything that will stir me inside. can’t you just let me forget my mistake and let me move on? why are they all mistakes? big ones, obvious ones, stupid ones, i can’t even absolve myself of the blame by pretending it was an accident.

see other people blogging about their daily life makes me wish i had the mood to blog like that too. wish my life were something i could be happy to blog about. sadly it has hardly substance or interest.

i can only blame myself for not having been someone more memorable, someone more special, something more worth treasuring. and i give you credit for being someone that was. just too bad for me. i’ll be happy and content that i’m someone whose blog you sporadically decide to visit, someone who happens to cross your mind occasionally, someone with whom you associate with nonsensical random things. i’ll learn contentment.

i want to stuff my face with yami yogurt.

it’s 5am and i’m so tired of waiting for something that will never come. i can lie to myself that i’m not and occupy myself with so many other things but when it comes to the crux i know my stomach still turns and my attention is only partially diverted. i hate it that i am and i feel so useless. i don’t want to chase a dream any more and i just want to move on with my life. how can i continue like this. last night i typed this whole chunk about reality and accepting it or rejecting it (it’s still in my ipod, unpublished) and only right now do i realise that i should be the one living with the consequences of what i got myself into. if i tell someone i’m not sad, it’s a lie. if i claim that i feel nothing, it’s a lie. and at this point in time i can only blame myself for having given in and bringing this on myself and allowing myself to have formed any attachment at all. but honestly what is so difficult right now? in theory i can do it, history has shown i have done it and am capable of it, but why am i still harbouring this hope that things can change? i suppose it’s not of any use trying to be rational but i really wish i worked that way.

when will you learn that you must bond with the current team and you cannot keep holding on to the things that are already past? stupid girls… are your teammates too lousy for you? too unimportant for you? you think that just because your previous team went further than this one will, your feelings of sadness and nostalgia are justified? you think that’s being fair to your own teammates? you wanna talk about sadness, ever tried putting yourself in the shoes of your own bloody teammates that you can treat so insensitively? so much for trying to teach you the importance of team. success gone to your head and you forgot it all. get over the bloody fact that your 09 team has ended and grow up. get over your bloody coach. just because she can’t differentiate right from wrong and conduct herself professionally doesn’t entitle you to do the same thing. but why do i bother writing it here, only because what i say will only fall on deaf ears. your conduct has already proven very clearly to me that i’m useless in teaching any semblance of value.

on to even more personal things, apparently telling someone about something troubling does not necessarily make me feel any better about it because i don’t. i feel even more conflicted. i really want to tell you about it but on a second thought what good will it do? i am not afraid of rejection but to me the answer is more or less clear. or should i say, the eventual outcome. even if this, and even if that, in the end what can possibly come out of it? mutual acceptance and no action? not that you’re any stranger to that.

just tell me where to find another someone like you.

more or less how i mean things…almost as good as a blog post so just take some time and read the (i know,) chinese lyrics if you wanna know.

我沈默 不代表我不痛
我不痛 眼泪就不会流
总是安静承受 安静忍受
安静看你走
你说我 很适合当朋友
你说我 总是会听你说
你说别太难过 保持联络
有空的时候
把疼爱都给你 把疼痛都给我
最痛是当时微笑送你走
等到你转身後 眼泪也不敢流
只怕你偶然还会回过头
把疼爱都给你 把疼痛都给我
放开手是我最後的温柔
如果你能飞得 快乐自由
这疼痛 并不算 什麽
想挽留　却为什麽点头
我不懂　连我都不懂我
如果说的太少　爱的太多
有谁能够懂
把疼爱都给你 把疼痛都给我
最痛是当时微笑送你走
等到你转身後 眼泪也不敢流
只怕你偶然还会回过头
把疼爱都给你 把疼痛都给我
放开手是我最後的温柔
如果你能飞得 快乐自由
这疼痛 并不算 什麽
千言万语拥挤我的宇宙
让我震耳欲聋　喔喔
有多少爱　就有多少
沈默的疼痛
把疼爱都给你 把疼痛都给我
最痛是当时微笑送你走
等到你转身後 眼泪也不敢流
只怕你偶然还会回过头
把疼爱都给你 把疼痛都给我
放开手是我最後的温柔
如果你能飞得 快乐自由
这疼痛 并不算 什麽

well rest assured that everyone has their own troubles. misery loves company but i still wish i could console all these people. sadly i don’t know shit about anyone cos i’ve been out of touch with everyone.

happy twentieth birthday to someone though :) (a smiley feels out of place here but still… :)) oh it’s actually choonyee’s birthday today! my brother’s was yesterday.

watched so much tv today, now i know how it feels to rot. i also swam 20 laps, yucks because the pool was so crowded i couldnt help but keep thinking that i’m swimming in the same water as all these men’s pubic hair. the water wasn’t even cool in a nice way, it felt so claustrophobic. worst swim in … forever.

my phone’s really going insane, the display never dims down, and although i don’t touch it, it keeps telling me how to unlock the keypad. which is freaky cos tt doesnt happen unless someone presses the buttons right haha. anyway my brother will get iphone i think, soon, maybe i’ll change with him. or maybe htc. dunno leh. i think nokia’s qwerty keypad is very nice to use though. i’ll miss it. (if i change.) if i do use the iphone though, i’ll probably sell my itouch and merge my phone and mp3, wanted to do that for some time. just the timing.

i know what i should do, this is nothing new, but this is torture. i cant help but keep thinking about everything that is slipping through my hands………. no doubt it should never have been there but that doesnt make things any better or make me feel any better… i hate it that i go for things i can’t get and you are all that far away but it’s so close and so far….. just THERE…. at times it almost seemed real, like i can hold it and grasp it tight and smell it but it’s gone. do you know that feeling? i don’t want to be awake.