Cause i

Hello I don’t really want to be emo so I’ll just be later.

Anyway I’m havig loads of fun in Vietnam! Haha if you didn’t already know that I’m here. Leaving on a flight tomorrow night and I really don’t want to, the few days I’ve spent here are sooo short.

And seriously, everyone takes for GRANTED that they are recognized to be their actual gender. Over here I wonder to how many people does it occur that I’m not actually a boy. I think they only realize it on a third (yes, not second) look or when I speak. Oh well. Nevr mind.. They r nice about it and actually apologetic.

Today I went to a war museum. It was quite sad and I’ll post pictures when I get back.

I also bought some stuff. Not actually alot of clothes, more.. Accessories. Hehe. But I’m very happy! I bought two watches, two belts (super cheap n damn unique!!!!), two pairs of shades to replace my old ones, one super cute half size guitar (from the same homemade guitars shop that I bought my first guitar from:)), oh and a pair of jeans. Haha. It’s a bit different colour but quite okay la. You’ll see it if you see it, I seriously need Another pair toswitch my levis around with because otherwise I won’t wash it in like who knows probably a month or something. It’s true religion, can’t really find in Singapore. Well either that or I’m a blind noob. Eh damn hard to find something that’s not straight cut u know like 99.5% of all jeans here r str8 cut! But my mom n bro actually managed to buy like 2 or 3 pairs. EACH. n actually not bad, quite nice. Pei Fu. When they bought I was feeling sick n headache so I went back to the hotel to rest. I actually think I fell a bit sick for awhile right there but recovered la. Thankfully.

Anw tmr maybe I’ll buy a even smaller siZe guitar. There’s this toddler size, kids size, half size n full siZe. The only kids one they have left is a bit spoilt so I don’t dare buy… The toddler one is rly damn small but im soooo tempted to buy it’s damn cute! Can just stuff it into my bag and all :) kids size is still rather reasonable for my fingers. Dunno. I was afraid I’ll buy on impulse so I leftthe shop. Tmr see if I still want anot. Actually only usd32, it’s quite cheap. Haha.

I’m still waiting for a little something but I think its a rather futile patience I am harbouring. Oh well. I wantto give up so bad but I can’t bring myself to.

Okay see you all soon :) I miss riding motorcycle! Seeing 99% of Vietnamese riding scooter (automatic at that) makes me sooo itchy u know.

N sock png is the storage format of the picture. Like gif, jpeg etc hAha.

if your heart is cold, my sheets are warm

well actually any reference to my bed actually seems very tainted because someone keeps making fun of me and my mistakes…. haha. oh man. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway i am leaving so fast! saturday! can’t wait to fly away… and leave all my aches behind. same time i am afraid what will happen when i;m not around, even if it’s just for that short 4 days… imagine when i leave for 13 days what will happen… actually, nothing. i’m just being paranoid and tremendously insecure.

the stupid starbucks passport that i wanted to buy for agm cost a bloody 33 bucks.. way out of the stipulated 10 dollar budget. in the end i settled for chocolate, hope my person doesnt mind.

anyway i went to west coast’s starbucks today to work on the brochure. quite productive… but only when i set my mind to it haha. i still dont like the fact that i spend so much on one stupid drink though, really drinking starbucks is an expensive habit. (well, relatively.) to make myself feel better (or worse, actually) i had lunch at the hawker centre opposite. so nice! had my teh c peng and mee goreng (actually i wanted bee hoon goreng but i only realised i ordered wrong when it came) for only $4.20. compare it to starbucks. well i needed the aircon and internet. and actually i really cant do work at home, i’ll just end up being distracted.

haha oh man when was the last time i said something like that right? saying that feels like i’m stretching a sore part of my body that i havent used for a damn long time. well answer is, i last said that when i could still afford to be unproductive during pre-a’s period.

which honestly, i miss a bit, to be perverse. i dont know what exactly i miss about it, i sort of miss it yet soo happy i kicked it away from me. i suppose… haha…. well.

i want to cycle to west coast plaza! i shall do that tomorrow. cycle there and have my teh c peng. and read a book. except no one reads books at a hawker centre. i know i said that i feel stupid buying a bicycle when I’m learning motorbike but it’s rly good exercise isn’t it!

And I got reduced to updating w my itouch cos my computer is being screwy with the new internet connection. Well tts the disadvantage, e adv is that my itouch can -finally- connect to the net at home. Yea previously it couldn’t. N now that it can, HAHA I can dl hell lot of songs for tap tap!!! N heck care if my com can’t connect cos this one can! Of cos I’m kidding I’ll die if my com dsnt have Internet cos using this thing is not a long term solution.

Ok sorry this isgetting trashy n rather like word vomit. It’s almost 4am so goodnight and I missssssss… I don’t know, supposed to have first right. Eh emo shit haha bye..!

i’m the one who wants to be with you

WHAHAHA coach and i passed out 2.02 on 2nd try!!! 2 tries only know!!! :D *gloatsss* it’s supposed to be the hardest of all the stages!!! stupid right, i repeat my 2.01 and 1.02 THREE times, and 2.02 dont need! haha! well maybe cos the 2nd time i tried the former was on the same day, make me fail again… anyway coach gonna play catchup with me cos i’ll be continuing without her while she has fun (and freezes) in chinachina… haha. skali i need 2.5 weeks to pass my pylon and plank! hope not :p

AND, we discovered the miracle of low-cut bikes today! haha cos our instructor used low cut, so we tried too.. SO MUCH DAMN EASIER LA. i think cos cg lower, i dared to go faster… unknown instructor reported to my instructor tt i was speeding. haha…. (i thought that my instructor couldnt see me gg fast cos i was out of view but apparently they communicate by radio) but please dont get the wrong impression i’m not a speedster, i’m just kiasu that a car will come and block my turning, so speed up lah! faster easier to turn also what. right? but YES anyway i will ALWAYS be using low cut bikes from now on whahaha. no.35!! and my instructor was great, he explained everything so well and even put the cones there to guide us the angle to turn… really think my passing depends heavily on instructor. haha.

anyway the game today don’t even talk about it. sians. standing strikeout, walk, and lousy tap the ball. omg. i hate myself haha. STANDING STRIKEOUT!!!!!!!! what the hell! pre-empt, second guess… serves me right. haha. never mind lah.

i want to start driving lessons already but i need to work. and earn money. since apparently my driving won’t be paid for. (biking still can cut corners, my papa is being nice.) but it’s okay i think it should be far easier than bike. i can sit there, scratch my head, scratch my ass, and don’t need to balance myself or act like a monkey, can sit there enjoy aircon. so different huh. haha.

gym tomorrow! hopefully i can make myself ache like shit so i won’t feel so bad about going to vietnam and balloooning into a fishball. and i have a WONDERFUL idea what to get for the AGM gift exchange haha. i think i’m such a genius. the person will probably be disappointed at first but later when she sees what it is she’ll thank me for being so clever. btw, i don’t understand the theme… back to school?!?!?! almost like.. 70% of us are students already, and think about poor ppl like me who’ve jUST GRADUATED.. u want me to wear back my school uniform AGAIN? the clothes that i only just got myself rid of? oh the irony.

actually i’ve stuff i need to get done. errands and all. start on it tomorrow after i get the gifts ba.

i hate the kind of conversations that i really need to have because they usually make things worse than they already are but i really need to say what i have to say. this is the price i’ve to pay for not having restraint i suppose…

oh well till then good night..

how coincidental that i see this today

from a png on sock’s blog.

This is what I know about love, that it is tested every day, and what is not renewed is lost. One either chooses to care more or to care less. Once the choice is to care less, then there is no stopping the momentum of goodbye.

that’s not necessarily such a bad thing, especially if you’re looking to get yourself out of a mess. well guys now you know how to get yourself over someone. or something. yes? haha.

btw sock i hope you feel better about whatever it was you were upset about…

another cheena lyrics post 心型圈

this is one of my all time favourite songs…

我送上初恋 在你的面前
再将我爱你温习一遍
我无法收敛对你的思念 若爱有风险，我宁愿重剑
那一年春天，爱发芽蔓延，我们故事颜色鲜艳
我将爱完全花在你身边
对爱纠缠很明显 想腻在你的房间

雾渐渐不见，你终于出现
听不进劝，对爱死性眼
希望这趟爱情走很远
我用我指尖画心型的圈
然后碎碎念，想象你听见
空出时间，默背你的脸
认真翻字典查我们的永远

(i think i’m so cheap. but theyre all the same. at least in hindsight)

times square can’t shine as bright as you

(yes my title’s on purpose)

to keep things simple, i’m gonna be the kicker not the kickee.

bike lesson again tmr! can’t wait. i’m actually quite tired. yesterday mz and cm came over and we did our normal, mahjong and 2am prata. haha. we stayed there until around 5? walked there and back, but we walked west coast highway back so it was nicer and all. in the end i slept at around 6+ and they left without saying goodbye haha. got up at 12 something because coach called and went for training… everything… oh for dinner i had this YUMMY lamb shank dish at chijmes. thanks ivy for the treat :D the margarita was damn nice too! strawberry…. mmmmm!

and i cut my hair. it’s short(er) again.

ahhhhh i’m so sad. it’s not easy being rational.

you are everything, everything but i can’t have it. i’m looking at it through a glass pane because i’ll never be able to have and hold. well. whatever. flower in dung? REALLY? really? :(

Pending

a long, everything i wanted ever to say, squeeze myself dry post sits somewhere on a blogspot page and i feel kinda i suppose, better now. without having to mosaic everything like how i have to here.

does it sound like too much, too early (as opposed to too little too late, although what i said did not originate from a polarisation of the latter) to draw the line now? i know i am capable of it, it’s just the follow through that’s the question. i suppose i should know what’s good for me … but it’s like eating vegetables, just because it’s good doesn’t mean you’ll do it because not doing it (yet) won’t kill you. but it’s always better to eat your vegetables. but i hate eating vegetables. (literally and figuratively.)

it’s not so much of minding what it’ll do, but whether i can bear to do it to myself. there aren’t that many strings attached yet. and we are independent of each other. history shows i can if i am motivated.

so cold and so kinda tired. tomorrow i am gonna cut my hair, and mz and cm are coming over. we will explore haw par villa and it’s free, no admission charge. i hope it’ll be a better day than today, with less thinking and more being occupied. although i’m pretty sure i’m gonna have to account for whatever i’ve been doing (physically and emotionally) to the both of them. never hurts (not much), i suppose, just that it requires my defining everything which can be a wakeup call as opposed to how i am now, drifting around and conveniently leaving things in the fog because i don’t want to lift the rug and think about where exactly i stand. on an afterthought it may be kinda depressing. another analogy for you, accounting my actions to them is like being forced to eat bitter medicine. you know what that means.

your hands are

what i like about you, you really know how to dance

so i finally went to get those health errands done. 3 jabs, 2 on my left arm and 1 on my right, so my left is really kinda sore now. good ah, shows that there are muscles there haha not just fats. then i went to get the you2 pao4 removed. so thanks, i have bloody dots there instead of the white ones. but i dont mind, it’ll clear.

and i watched twilight today. judge me if you want but i just watched it to see what the hooha (both good and bad) is about. and yeah the sparkling in the sun was really ridiculous haha. no plot no nothing…bella was an indecisive, wimpy, selfish bitch, edward was a useless piece of shit…. i thought the only saving grace was the werewolf but even so he’s just a typical nice guy. all so no character. bella really pissed me off… but that’s all. i mean it’s probably every bit as bad as critics describe but i don’t hate it enough to gush about how much i hate it haha. girls who like edward are probably,,, pretty spineless i suppose. (haha i know who does and yes she doesnt have much semblance of a backbone..i speak like i do)

i’ve got scallop porridge tonight :) hungry!

actually i’m in a pretty bad mood right now.

i bought these old, enlarged postcards today from peace centre! it’s of old singapore. so i’ve one of the bali summit, asean’s first summit. then of the old National Library (the red brick building, u know), sophia road in 1908 (they didnt have of wilkie! so i settled for sophia rd), and… uh.. oh yes the old cathay building! donkey years ago before they tore it down. actually they had cool pics of jap occupation but it’s not really good to put such pics up in my room so… haha.

…. argh!

Rut

can’t sleep… don’t want to sleep… wish i could choose the way i spend my time. i was actually so aware of the situation and telling myself to remember it because i know it probably won’t come again and such things are the stuff of memories. anyway i know it shouldn’t be this way but sometimes it feels nice to not be so objective, to feel slightly free for just a little while. i so seldom give myself this kind of liberty, even if it’s just in my head because where is it going to bring me anyway?

so anyway i spent the whole of today rotting. well i passed my 2.01 in the morning… then came home and collapsed… the only reason why i had lunch and dinner was because i slept on the couch and couldn’t ignore the wake up calls haha. i guess i haven’t been spending that much time at home and more out. but still.

sometimes i reallyfeel like i’m treated very differently from my brother and it really irritates me a lot. he can just come and go as he pleases, not a word is said or an eyelid batted at all, but i’m kept in this.. chalk circle. i hate it!!!!!!!!!!!

the bruises on my legs are really ugly and i wish they’d clear sooner. it’s my fault i was too lazy to rub it i guess. dunno why i’m always so naggy when it comes to other people but not myself. and (yes i know this is such a mundane and rubbish post, kind of reflective of my life) i have two POISONOUS mosquito bites i swear they are two lumps.

i’m seriously.. stuck in this rut and i don’t know what i’m supposed to do about it. there are moments of relief but they’re so occasional, and they come just as quickly as they go. and i spend the whole time just waiting for the next. i’m not even going anywhere and it’s such a pointless and depressing feeling. don’t even know how to qualify or measure anything that goes on, or evaluate its significance.

i don’t need an activity, or a purpose, or a motivation, or even conversation. i only need the company.